Intimacy from the Inside Out (IFIO)

What I do myself, I do to you ... there's no way around that

-Toni Herbine-Blank-

Intimacy from the Inside Out (IFIO) is a model of couples therapy developed by IFS lead trainer and author, Toni Herbine-Blank, drawing primarily from Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, but also integrating aspects of psychodynamic theory, systems thinking and neuroscience. It applies IFS therapy's understanding of psychic multiplicity and 'parts' to a relational setting, using the intimate relationship as a vehicle for growth and healing for both partners.

IFIO couple therapy works on two levels: (1) the 'Interpersonal' level where we help the couple communicate more skillfully and understand each-other better. (2) the 'intrapersonal' level, where we help each partner do their internal work, understand their own system and heal trauma(s) from past relationships (especially family of origin).

 How can IFIO Couple Therapy help couples get unstuck?

Drawing from IFS therapy, IFIO couple therapy works with the multiplicity of mind. The multiplicity of “parts” within all of us, includes parts that fulfill a protective role and vulnerable parts that need protection.

Communication roadblocks come when partners are not consciously aware of their vulnerabilities or needs and communicate with each-other from their protective parts, for example, by manipulating, bullying, withdrawing etc. While their intention is to get needs met, protective parts end up triggering the other person's vulnerability and activating in them a matching protective stance, This escalating 'protector to protector' pattern leads couples down a path of disconnection and pain. Needs remained unseen and unmet.

 Paying careful attention to the repetitive patterns that block beneficial communication, The IFIO therapist helps each partner lower their weapons and learn to speak and listen from a more compassionate and courageous place, which IFS calls Self. 

IFIO couple therapy addresses many of the issues people face in relationships. These include problems with communication, tensions between togetherness and separateness, difficulties with accepting each other’s differences, conflict over decisions, feeling misunderstood or unloved, heated fights, intimacy and sexuality concerns, frustration that the other person isn’t changing, disrespected boundaries, challenges with addictive behaviors, relationship ruptures, and betrayals.

 The aim of IFIO couple therapy

The aim of IFIO couple therapy is to help couples 'differentiate' both internally and externally. Internally, we inquire about the deeper need behind protectors' driven behavior and help the person reconnect to their human vulnerability from a place of inner strength. 

External differentiation flows from internal differentiation. It is about respecting and appreciating the individuality and difference of the other.  We stop needing them to change and start wanting to understand them. The paradox is that the more attuned we are to our inner system (IFS calls this being self-led), the less 'selfish' we become and the more space we create inside to stay curious and open to the inner world of the other. Not only does that help us feel close (we all want to be understood!) it also gives us more choice and agency in how we respond to triggers and find creative solutions to the human dilemmas we face as a couple.

IFIO Couple Therapy resources

Listen to Tony Herbine-Blank talk about the impact of shame and shaming inside and out